Cheezburger Confidential – Tacgnol

In order to tell you the story of Tacgnol, I must begin before he began. For he was not born in the womb of a mother. He was born from jealousy and anger. It all started with another cat of great length. The longest of them all… Longcat. Once Longcat learned how to control his gift of variable length, he set out to use it for the good of the world.

He used his mighty paws to stomp on criminals.

He used his enormous claws to scratch the face of evil.

He even took care of the little guys, extending his torso to help his feline brethren out of trees.

Longcat’s actions were noticed on high, and he was summoned to the Infinite Ceiling. It was there that he met the feline deity known as Ceiling Cat. Ceiling Cat tried to appear as a burning bush, but it set off the Holy Smoke Alarm. The beeping was very distracting. Ceiling Cat couldn’t figure out how to turn it off so he poked at it with a broom handle. Finally, he removed the battery and vowed that he would totally remember to put it back in later.

Longcat asked why he was summoned. Ceiling Cat replied in his booming, godly voice: “Each generation I choose an official protector of the world. A champion to fight evil and make sure naps go undisturbed. I would like you to be that champion. Do you accept this perilous challenge?”

Longcat’s response was quick and resolute: “I do.”

“Ceiling Moron has a new champion. That stuck up do-gooder is getting on my last nerve! This Longcat has foiled my evil schemes at every turn. This has to stop now!”

“What do you plan to do, my lord?”

“I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’m going to get a longcat of my own. One that is evil. One that will do my bidding.”

“How will you do this, master?”

“How? HOW? I didn’t go to Mad Scientist school for eight years for nip and giggles. I shall create my own long cat!”

Basement Cat scurried to his underground laboratory of horrors — the very place he created such monstrosities as the Stegochickensaurus…

the Bearsharktopus…

and the One-headed Gary Busey Cerberus.

Basement Cat soon discovered that creating a cat of immense length was not going to be as easy as his previous experiments. It involved creating mass, altering DNA and programming a cat brain to do his bidding. Never before had he attempted something so complicated. There were many trials and many errors.

His first thought was to duct tape a cat to an animal that already possessed great length.

Though he was delighted with his use of evil duct tape, he was still unsatisfied with his work. He had not really created a cat of great length… it was more of a Catraffe than a longcat, really.

His next attempt used various cloning techniques along with DNA manipulation. After creating many prototypes, this also ended in failure. Though he achieved great length relative to the size of the cats, they somehow ended up being nearly microscopic overall.

It was clear that Basement Cat required a greater scientific mind to help him create this lengthy feline of doom. Fortunately, he had acquired the soul of the greatest scientist that ever lived.

A reluctant Bill Nye descended into the Basement of Eternity, trembling with fear. Basement Cat told him that he was summoned to help create a cat of great length that would do his bidding. The Science Guy perused Basement Cat’s notes and began to propose a possible plan for this perilous plot of pure evil.

Basement Cat sent Igor to retrieve the DNA. He waited patiently for Longcat to finish his daily McFlurry. After the empty cup was discarded, Igor grabbed the straw riddled with Longcat’s genetic material. With all the elements now in hand, they packed up what they needed and headed to the volcano.

Bill Nye mixed a solution of chemicals. He measured out the required amount of baking soda. He carefully added the DNA sample. When his concoction was complete, he hurled it into the volcano.

The earth shook beneath their feet. The lava began to bubble. The heat grew more intense. Suddenly, something began to emerge. It grew longer and longer. The lava singed the fur and turned it to the color of charcoal. The eyes glowed yellow and stared blankly into the distance.

Tacgnol was born.

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Have a story idea? Is there a character you would like to see? Please send your suggestions and any feedback to confidential@cheezburger.com

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Longcat
Basement Cat
Ceiling Cat
Dr. Tinycat
Happycat
Hovercat
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The Lolrus
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