I know these confidential reports are usually full of antics. Tomfoolery. Shenanigans. Skulduggery. Mischief… and other words of that nature. But at the request of the subject of this profile, I have been asked to keep things very professional. I’m under strict instructions not to do anything that might be considered “silly.” I’m not allowed to post any goofy cat pictures like this one.
There will be no photo manipulation of any kind. A picture such as this has been deemed unacceptable.
And under no circumstances am I to make a joke. Even if it is classy and scientific like this one.
“Schrödinger’s cat walks into a bar… and doesn’t”
The reason for this hiatus on hilarity is because we have a very special and very serious subject this week. He is the world’s foremost expert in seriosity. He has been voted “Most Serious” six years in a row by the Serious Society of Serious Seriousness. Or SSSS. His given name is Otis Fancypants, but he prefers that you call him… Serious Cat.
Otis Fancypants has always been serious. His mother claims that even as a tiny kitten, he never cracked a smile. Once he reached adulthood, he yearned to learn how to hone his seriousness. He wished to sharpen his natural seriousing talents to beyond extraordinary levels. He decided to join the Queen’s Royal Guard. There he would learn how to resist any distraction that might disrupt his seriosity. He would stand at the palace entrance as a constant barrage of tourists did their worst to try and make him break his stoic gaze.
None were successful.
I sat down with Serious Cat in an exclusive one-on-one interview. We dove deep into his seriousness and made some shocking revelations.
Cheezburger: So I understand that you have always been serious.
Serious Cat: Yes, from the moment I was born. No one chooses to be this serious. Duh.
Cheezburger: So do you have any theories as to why you were born so serious?
Serious Cat: Clearly it is because I have the blood of a tiger.
Cheezburger: Do you mean that metophorically?
Serious Cat: No. My father was a tiger. He lived with some magicians. We don’t like to talk about it.
Cheezburger: Some people say that no one can be that serious. Your detractors in the serious business claim you have been taking serious-enhancing drugs.
Serious Cat: They said that? They are picking a fight with a Warlock. The only drug I’m on is called Serious Cat. If anyone else were to take it, their head would pop off and their nipples would invert.
Cheezburger: Surely you can’t be serious.
Serious Cat: I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.
*I laugh*
Serious Cat: Why are you laughing?
Cheezburger: The Shirley thing. From Airplane.
Serious Cat: Never heard of it.
Cheezburger: Let’s change topics. What exactly do you do for a living?
Serious Cat: I’m serious.
Cheezburger: Right, but how do you make money? Make ends meet?
Serious Cat: I’m a professional seriouser. Seriously. I have a business card and everything.
Cheezburger: Nice coloring!
Serious Cat: That’s bone. And the the printers tell me the lettering is something called “Times New Roman.” I’m sure you’ve never heard of it. It even has a watermark.
Cheezburger: So what kinds of things to do you do as a professional seriouser?
Serious Cat: I do anything that requires an intense level of seriousness. Most of my work is in movies as a serious double. For when the directors need a level of serious that your standard actor cannot attain.
Cheezburger: Any movies we’d know?
Serious Cat: Well… not to brag, but… I was Batman.
It was clear that Serious Cat was a prodigy in the field of seriousness. We wanted to test the limits of his capabilities. We asked him to look at a series of pictures. To mere mortals, it would be nearly impossible to maintain a serious demeanor while viewing these images. The level of difficulty increased with each one. Let us see if we managed to “unserious” the master.
Amazing. I did not think it could be done. In my time spent with this master of serious, he did not crack a smile nor shed a tear. He remained stoic to the last. The serious life is not for everyone, but someone has to do it. I am glad that Otis Fancypants is there to pick up our serious slack.
See other things that are very serious.
Have a story idea? Is there a character you would like to see? Please send your suggestions and any feedback to confidential@cheezburger.com
Longcat
Basement Cat
Ceiling Cat
Dr. Tinycat
Happycat
Hovercat
InvisiCo
Itteh Bitteh Kitteh Committeh
The Lolrus
Monorail Cats
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Copy & paste this:
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Srsly?
ha ha srsly funny comment!
rofl
Anyone know why serious cat is so serious?
where did this quality come from?
Oh, com on. I bet teh minit dat teh camura wus turnd off aftur dat last pic, Serious Cat rofl’d.
seriously? You seriously think that? Are you seriously that stupid? Seriously?
P.S. Seriously?
P.P.S. Seriously?
Final Thought: Seriously?
Final Thought P.S. Seriously?
Final Thought P.P.S. Seriously?
Just, Seriously?
PORTALLL
You would be seriously let down then.
happy cat with the fake glasses with nose attachment made me literally laugh out loud.
Me two.
Me two.
yupy dup do
i tryd being srs cat and did not laugh or smile thru teh hole thing!!
oh w8. srs :l
As did I.
seriously.
:l
Me too,
srsly.
me 2 fo a 7 days:|
me three
Likewise
I snorted. It wasn’t pretty
Ai wud lub it if NomKitteh could hab a Cheezburger Confidential. He hazzen’t made it to the homepage, butt (!) ai lubbz him lotz. Ai haz maid sebberal NomKitteh lolz an’ here is wun of dem:
http://cheezburger.com/Mollykitteh/lolz/View/2761870080
Ai lubz dis Serious Cat, btw!
I wonder if anyone realized that 2,632 days is a little over 7 years, yet he was voted “Most Serious” for nine years. I think Schrodinger has an explanation.
He was awarded some awards retroactively.
The reason for this hiatus on hilarity is because we have a very special and very serious subject this week. He is the world’s foremost expert in seriosity. He has been voted “Most Serious” six years in a row by the Serious Society of Serious Seriousness. C? Rite abuv teh e in rite. Di-rec-lee from eh ar-tee-cul.
Wow! Serious Cat is so serious he wuz voted as most serious for 9 years in a row butt (!) if hez 2632 days old izn’t himz onlee 7 years old?
Epic seriousnezz!
It sed he wuz voted as most srs for six years in a row by srs sosiety of srs srsness.
Seriously funny! Thanks once again, Cheeses!
Maybe his nuzzlmuzzle DNA has been a tad “spherized” in Pshop by Ceeling Cat? I may play wif dis pic a liddul. Heez so ODD lookin. *Perish Forbid, CC ‘Shopz?*
OMCC, I luv dese Cheezburger Confidenshuls! Ai wish dey cud be favoritd!
erm…ai meen favoritd so u can clik thru agin. ai fav’d it butt it duzznt opin up agin
srs cat r srs.
May I enquire whether there is a Serious Cat t-shirt yet? And if the answer is no, what are you waiting for?!
By the way, are you aware that Serious Cat has his own website?
http://www.seriouscat.com/ (Warning: it has the f-word on it.)
I love the confidentials, but this is just one of my favourites. Oh yeah, I lmao at the fat cat with the monocle and moustache. For several minutes, nonetheless.
thats a dog stupid
He’s always been that way.
http://images.cheezburger.com/completestore/2011/3/18/7fa0caa3-d77f-4522-a1ef-38e189f77705.jpg
OH MY GOD! It even has a watermark!
This is not true. Serious Cat does occasionally smile, but only on the first Friday of October [World Smile Day].
Serious cat is so seirous that it can see the past, future, into your soul, and read your mind!!!!!!!!
is it just me or does the puppy look like pops from regular show?
I love the Charlie Sheen references.
Increased sample size improves reliability, not accuracy.
Dat am serryuslee troo aifinkso.
serious cat has some combat to do i bin cracin this seriousness for 2,365 days ha in your face
no wait i says dat wrong 2635
me is i was sewious cat: Sewios cat iz sewios: sees puppy with muchate: fall out of chair laughing
watch out for that serios drug it looks just lik kidz tooth paste
I’m assuming he’s friends with Padfoot. I mean, since Pf is Sirius Dog and all…
srs cat dus srs things
I didn’t laff throo da hole thing!
& yes,I is serious
lol! Btw, I MIGHT have stolen lolrus’s bukkit… You’ll never know.
THAT IS MAI BUKKIT!
ROFLMFAO