Editor’s Note: Hipster Kitty demanded a different title card because the old one was too mainstream.
You’re in luck, fellow Confidentialites! We’ve dug up a rare B-side interview with the one and only Hipster Kitty! So dust off your old Dinosaur Jr. vinyls and warm up your record players, because we’re going to spend some time in Hipster Kitty’s Converse shoes to see what makes him a truly unique cool cat.
Hipster Kitty let us look through his Moleskine journal during our time together.
Hipster Kitty claims to have been the first cat meme on the internet, but when websites like I Can Has Cheezburger began emerging and cat memes became dime-a-dozen, he decided to step out of the limelight before his popularity exploded. “I’m not interested in all of that mainstream fanfare. I thrive among the obscure, and all of that attention really began to frustrate me.” He pauses for a moment. “I used to like Happycat back when he was underground. But then he got so popular, and I took a look at my life and at my choices and decided not to associate with a pop icon like him.”
The only known photo of the two friends taken before Happycat’s rise to fame.
Before he became the Hipster Kitty we all know and love, he was just called SwizzleStix the Cuddly Cat. He was not a fan of the cutesy name and felt that it didn’t fit his cool, worldly identity. At this time, though, he still hadn’t found his place in the world. One day, an acquaintance asked SwizzleStix to join him on a pilgrimage to a sacred place he referred to only as “a village of values.”
Upon entering, Hipster Kitty became overwhelmed. The sights! The smells! The faded band t-shirts! Something powerful shifted in Hipster Kitty as he stood between the aisles.
He ended up leaving with an old NES that hardly worked, a tube TV, a typewriter, and enough vintage clothing to stock his studio apartment from floor to ceiling six times over. But Hipster Kitty didn’t stop there. He returned to Value Village daily, and every day he found some new treasure.
Eventually, he realized that he could pay more for the same clothing at smaller, snootier boutiques. Skinny jeans! Ironic Madonna tees! And, of course, scarves, scarves, scarves! His long, hard journey to Hipster Heaven was almost complete. The final puzzle piece fell into place when, at a house party, Hipster Kitty had his first taste of PBR. And, oh, how it tasted.
We caught up with Hipster Kitty a few years after his descent into hipsterdom. For the first part of our interview, we met time inside the local fair-trade coffee shop where Hipster Kitty claims to spend all of his time writing the script for a film project. When asked what the movie was called, he muttered something about 8mm and French subtitles.
Hipster Kitty on set with an actor.
“You probably won’t see it,” he said.
“Well, I’ll make a note to watch,” I responded.
“Alright, but you probably won’t get what it’s about.”
“Well… What is it about?”
Hipster Kitty sighed. “If you must know, it is about the downfall of socie–“
But before he had the chance to finish, his iPhone rang (“Neighborhood #1 (Tunnels)” by Arcade Fire, in case you were wondering what his current ringtone is). As he answered the call, he motioned to me that he had to leave before dashing out the door. It took me a moment to realize he’d left me to pay the entire bill.
I caught up with Hipster Kitty the next day at a park on a warm, summer day. I put on my sunglasses. Hipster Kitty took off his normal glasses and put on a pair of sunglasses in their place.
“Don’t you need those to see?” I asked, curious if he had a pair of contact lenses with him.
“Oh, I don’t need those to see. I’m just trying to make a statement about how society views an individual with an impairment that diminishes their outer beauty.”
I pause for a minute. “It’s also pretty hot out here, so why the scarf?”
“It’s vintage. It harkens back to a time when people actually had style. You probably wouldn’t know anything about that though.”
At this point, Hipster Kitty begins to scoff at everything I say.
The final part of our interview took place on the evening of an indie rock concert. We lined up for the show outside with hundreds of excited fans. Hipster Kitty rolled a cigarette as he looked condescendingly at all of the other hipsters. “These kids…” He took a drag. “I used to come here so much, before this spot was even cool. There were no lines; we could just go in and get crazy. This place was just better before it became the cesspit you see today.” What I saw that day was a typical concert crowd in a typical concert venue, but by this time I’d learned not to pick a fight with Hipster Kitty.
By the time we got inside, a mosh pit had already formed. Everyone seemed to be having a good time. Everyone, that is, except Hipster Kitty. During the set, I looked over and noticed him standing still, his hands folded together, while everyone else danced around. “Is anything wrong?” I asked.
“Just having a good time,” he hissed. If this was Hipster Kitty having a good time, I hoped I would never have to see Hipster Kitty having a bad time.
After the concert ended, Hipster Kitty asked to bum a cigarette from another concert-goer.
“Tonight was great, but I feel like I never got to know the real you,” I said as he lit up.
He jumped on his fixie bike and said, “I was never meant to be known. You just wouldn’t understand.”
I waved goodbye as he rode off into the night, never looking back.
I never saw Hipster Kitty again. The last I heard, he’d formed a funk-pop-hip-hop-dubstep-fusion band that performed only Lady Gaga covers (ironically, of course). I tried to send him a copy of the interview before publishing to get his approval. I received only this terse response:
“Whatever, man. I liked Cheezburger Confidential profiles six months ago, before they became cool.”
Moral Gray Area Kitteh
Tacgnol
Serious Cat
Longcat
Basement Cat
Ceiling Cat
Dr. Tinycat
Happycat
Hovercat
InvisiCo
Itteh Bitteh Kitteh Committeh
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Hipster Kitty is actually Morrissey… no wait.. oh
ai lubs teh cheezburger confidenshals!
Hipster Kitty is a real tool. ಠ_ಠ
Hipstercat sownds liek a gai Ai uztew goe owt wif. Wuns itt beekaym maynstreem tew haf a gurlfren, hii dumt mii.
pls do nyan cat and tac nayn pppplllllzzzzzzz
I like Dinosaur Jr.
you forgot nutella, but its getting pretty mainstream….
Um… I thought Hipster Kitty was a girl?…
Having a gender is so mainstream…
I LOVE YOU
i think she is………………oh god, is she…mainstream?
Hipster kitty is part of the hybrid orange/intellect/kitten it’s also 60% less mainstream than the human race
But you have probably not heard of it
hipster kittys to mainstriam to be a hipster anymore
At least he doesn’t have a link to hipster kitty memes on his confidential.
Wasn’t Hipster Kitty a she?
I thought so too…
He dresses in women’s clothes, ironically…
He dresses in women’s clothes, ironically…
I thought so too!
This whole gender debate is so mainstream.
Mods, y u no let me post?
Not Good. Looks like Grandma Kitty. Needs better rendering of costume.
I did not understand it for a long time.
and that is the way it was meant to be.
I keeps wanting to send to the peeps that are so hipster kitty. matters not if girl or guy or grandma; the clotheses bee interchanguble. it makes me lol
That wud be mii *sigh* Jus real ished HK is a *gasp!* teenager: “You just wouldn’t understand” is his/her mantrah — but thatz so 60′s.
I’m pretty sure she’s a girl, my boyfriend knows to identify cats’ gender by the face and he said its a female cat’s face.
How can he tell? That’s kinda kool.
That was definitely an imposter. Hipster Kitty is a girl!
As you can see from previous interviews Hipster Kitty is definitely a girl.
Hipster Kitty is awesome!
Funny Stuff
it doesnt matter if hipster kitty is a boy or gurl… hipster kitty would say determinig mai sex is to mainstream
Exactly.
@Hipster Kitty
What’s the full faqs about ur movie idea?
I thought it was a girl Librarian Kitteh…. You shud do that!
I thought Hipster Kitty was a girl, too! Maybe he’s got a sister. Well, he’d/she’d probably say that determining his/her gender was too mainstream.
He has a point. Like, the signal I’m getting is that he’s looking at all those dorks in the world, who think like “Oh I’m so cool I want to smoke and drink when I grow up, and I curse, and my pants don’t fit very well!” I think that is just how I feel about Ceiling Cat.
Hipster Kitty can’t stay vintage forever….when modern is the only thing that will be around….it’ll be a shame if he turns modern when hes like, 14 years old in cat years.
you should do schrodingers cat
But in Hipster Kittyland, it’s kool to be androgynous!
My favorites are “It’s 87 degrees? Let me get my scarf!” (FAR too many scarves wrapped around necks in recent years!) and “my MacBook is fully charged” (I’m gonna barf on the next person who tells me how superior Macs are to PCs!!)
hipster cat sounds simple… all i must say other then hes awsome
Isn’t it ironic that helvetica is actually so darn mainstream?
But it fits, though haha.
ha
I love Hipster Kitty
i lovz hipsterz kitteh oh ya i gotta a confeshun i iz a cat lolz rightz? i lovz talkinz lleik a catz!
“CORPARATIONS SUCK”
WORKS AT STARBUCKS, WEARS FANCY 50$ SHIRTS AND LOVES MAC/APPLE PRODUCTS.
+1
“Tonight was great, but I feel like I never got to know the real you,” I said as he lit up.
He jumped on his fixie bike and said, “I was never meant to be known. You just wouldn’t understand.”
I waved goodbye as he rode off into the night, never looking back.
EPIC
I used to like Hippser Kitty but the liking him went mainstream. You probably would’nt understand.