I swearz ta tells twoof an nuttin but
twoof so help me blue fuzzy thing
were u under oath when you told me the cheeses moved?
picture: dunno source, via our lolcat builder. lol caption: Nonny
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Cheezburger Network Blog
Testify, Kitteh!
congradululashuns!
moar lyke – ’so halp me ceiling cat’
Woo, lcb! Furvest frawm last. I hopes dis duz nawt bring back any unhappy memriez of ur own court appearanziz.
Furvest frawm last
lol!
*looks innosent*
I’m sure I don’t know whut u meens, SJ.
U no, u wud luk a lawt more innosent if u wasn’t wearin a mask an carryin a bag wiv “swag” awn it. Just sayin.
Teh mask is becaws I has sinus trubbles and teh bag has extry CHRGs for teh CCC.
“Swag” stands 4 “speshul ware aroundyerhed glubs”.
Den why is teh bag makin teh clink clink noyses, an why dus u has a pair of glasscutters in wun hand an a set of skelington keys in teh udder?
Hey, luk!
Izznt dat de hunnert doller towel hangin owt uv her pokkitses?
This just in:
there haz bended a burgerlary in teh residentz ob famous jet setter JCH40K. Awl 40 kittehs has bended stolen along wif extra kibbuls adn bits. No silber, gowd, or chewels wuz taked, but teh clawset wuz awl in a mess adn it is assoomed tat teh priseless costume JCH0K weared in Teh Sownd adnt the Fury of Music is missin.
Bee on teh lookout fur a masked entity who offen goes by teh inishuls lolcatburglar.
now bak to regular programming. adn a werd frum owr sponsors…
And teh werd is “lobsters”.
Ober to u, Mary O’Spockn, in teh noosroom.
*snickr*
OH, I see we aer bak. Coming up in teh next segment, update on teh terrier ists twaining camp run by gotes in Vurmont, plea for extradishun for pb in the pikpokketing skandel taht rokked Yurp adn 99 legal ways to use stale kandykanes, graham kwakers, adn mershmellos (we know you awreddy eeted teh choklit)
But first anuther wurd frum owr sponsor.
We has a update 4 u on this braking story:
All 40 kittehs has beed finded at teh mCdonalds on JCH40K Boolevard. One of them hads a note that sayed tehy just wanted to get a cheezburger happy meel to cheer them up while their mommeh is away, but they forgots to bring a money. When kwestioned, teh kittehs sayed that a nice lady wif a sinus mask gived them a lift to teh mCdonalds in a priddy bag filled wif shiny things but teh lady sayed she couldnot stay because she had to go reed to teh def chillrens and then go halp clothe teh hongry.
Lolcatburglar is not, repeat NAWT a suspect in this case.
And now, over to u MaryO wif teh finanshul reports.
And teh werd is “prevarikayshun.”
Bak to yoo in de newsroom.
Meenwiles, in YourUp, teh Internationlol Kourt of Justification is considering wefer interspecies criminalitions shud be considered in teh sayme cat 0gory as teh Internashunul wuns. Ten kitteh burglary cud be treeted in teh same ways as piracy. Sortuf.
NEway, they pointed out that pirates ujually hab to get hungeded from a very HIGH UP IN TEH AIR place. Involving climbing up menny menny little tiny steps waaaaayyyyy up into the air. So that teh fings on teh ground looks like tiny fings on teh ground. And so on. They wundered if dis wud convince the suspex to hab anyfing moar to say.
Film at 11. Back to you in teh noosroom.
*kwiyet swishing sownd as Ankor purrsonality twies to luk up “prevarikashun” dis is hard to do wifout posabul fumbs, so kitteh is using tung.
OH! I see wee are bak. Howz teh wether Stone?
Handsome but blank eyd guy sez, Well, let’s look! *peers outside at beeeeg rock*
Well, itz got a widdul water onnit, so my guess is dat it haz been raining. But nawt much.
I predict it will stop evenchually. The rock hasn’t moved, so there’s no wind. In the forecast:
There’s a good probablity sunset will happen today, earlier in some areyuhz dan otters.
Let’s hear from our wether obsurverz frum around the whirlled while i check teh wether stone on the otter side ob the bilding…
blank skreen as guy wanderz away.
“ACKK” eckasperated disembodeed voyse is hurd “Cut to commurshul until we get teh feed frum Yurp adn JKH0K in Floriduh adn teeny tinee Ingerland. “
ohai – braking wether noos frum NooYoruck:
At 5:25pm todai, it started to get dark.
Experts will have moar to sai on teh subjekt layturr.
and nao another wed frum owr sponser -
Da wurd heer iz “konsoomerizm”
kthxbaktonoozroom
der iz sumfin eggsdteemli marx brufferesk about diz rooteen…
FTW
too teh fuunee youse guise…..
I wunderz. Is that bag big enuf to hold a bukkit? Cure eyeosity, I has it.
oops. Dis comment wuz sposed to go in a diffrent place. Kthnxbai.
ooooo. you bring up an interesting point…
*scribbulz in liddul noatbuk*
pb, aer yoo writing frum the pokey after yore unfochunate inkaserashun in the Hans pikpoketting skandal?
hmmmm. do i sense a flea bargain to get out ob jail?
hai Mary,
teh cawm-pooter problems, i has them. But, I is happy to say, I is nawt-incawsr…. icnaserate…. lockded up in teh pokey. The whole fing wif teh Hans wuz a misunderstaning. Honest. Trusts me. Srsly. I thots Hans wuz suppowsed to be in pokets. All a big con-fujion. I splained it to tehm carefully. Ober my shoulder. While ai wuz runnin fastest as I coud. An I donut know wat they was yellin, but it all werkeded out in teh end.
I’m just sayin.
meen-wile, I has decided to muve on to nudder country for a while. just as tourist. Srsly.
kbai.
ps — habin wunderful tyme, wishes youse all here.
heehee
FFL.
ummm. SJ, am i to infer frum your appeeranze dis mawnin dat yoo didunt “unlife” ennywun yesstiday? (oar shud dat be “de-life”)
Dey just hasn’t caught me yet.
an tahts a verree nys patty-o yu has jus had bilded in yur gardin, SJ. Luks a bit lumpy, tho – want me to dig it up and smoooooth it daon fore yu?
Um, no, no, Ambercat, fank u so mush foar askin, but is ackshully bery normal for teh patios wiv teh bodie….ai meen teh patios built awn teh fresh soil to look a bit lumpy at first. Once decompo…..teh grownd settles will awl be flat an nice.
I givs yoo speschul hairloom tomaytoes to plant on tawp uv enny uv does remayning lumps.
We culd grow tomaytoes – an we culd hav a niec salad in de summer.
organic gardening, they haz it.
Salad? Why… yes, I’d love a salad, but I just remembered, I… uh… have to get my hair done.
*Backs away, smiling nervously*
*Runs like h3ll once out of sight of SJ’s lumpy patio*
Yah, I wuddint even *ask* abowt wher de cyookumbers caem frum . . .
EssJay iz Brooksydkitteh?! :O
*snerk* Ai fink we just lawst eberybuddy in Norf Mercka, who is now sayin WTF????
pee ess ai has neber kissed Anna Friel, so let’s just stawp dat roomer before it starts.
n can we haz a eh men?!?
nope. but youse kin hab a “eh feline”
eh cat?
Kitteh is Canadien? Eh?
eh bien
eh tu kitteh
If kitteh is Can..kina…from dat cuntwee up norf, can we haz eh beer?
nooooeeeesssss! tell me yoo didna et 2 kittehs? tehy is nawt tastee nor nootrishus!
Nah. Not only is the pointeez bitz, but uz jes hungree again an our latah.
i dont wanna kno hao you wud knows dat…
eh nuff, joo silly peeps.
joo makin me snork my coffees.
you’re welcome.
job satisfakshun on ICHC, we hazit.
Dis morning sted uv drinkin mah cawfee, I dumped it down teh frunt uv meh.
Ah yooshully members that cawfee is most effektiv when applied orally rather than topically . . .
u taeks wut u cn gets
i didnt tears up t3h kurtins. swerz. i wuz in lyin in sunlyght, mindin mai own bizness, den dese five nastie kitttehs from down t3h rode kame up. dem broke down teh slidinglasdor, dem tore up teh kurtins. i tried to stops dem, i uzed al mai pointee ends. i evensually chase dem offs, but dey got teh kurtinz.
wai u luk at meh like dat? whut? no believs meh? kai. kai i strike teh previous testimnie? i kan has fif ‘memdment. an lawyer kitteh, plz?
KALL MAH LAWYURRZ!!!
Oops, ai red taht as KILL mah lawyurrz. Nawt dat ai wud eber do such a fing. *coff*
SJ….is dere sumfin yu be wantin to tell us….hmmmmm?????
Nooo, nooo…… *stands in frunt of lumpy patio, wissling nonsh…. nomch….. in a bery relacksd wai*
http://www.icanhascheezburger.com/2007/08/23/call-mah-lawyurrz/
Kittteh kan ohnlee testifah f he stil haz hiz harbls. F knot, den wot he sez nott nessessessessaireelee teh troof. Iz ohkay, akshully – undah kittehlaow furjery iz not an ofenss.
(it’s right outside your door)
so help me Ceiling Cat
Ceiling Cat duz not ekspect kittehs to tell deh truth. Ceiling Cat knows kittehs relies on dere charm, not dere honesty….
Congratshulashuns Lolburgler! Perhaps the Perrrrry Maison theme would be in order of da court.
okie dokie, i plays teh cool piano part.
but sumhow i keeps getting teh Andee Griffiff show tune mixed in.
*plays teh paino ob Perry Mason tehme wilst simultaynen um at the same time whistles Andee Griffiff tune.*
eer wurmz. i hazem.
Perry Mayson + Andee Grivveth = Catlock ?
ooo MoS – dat bee berry taluntfull – playen pi-aner n whusslin at teh same tyme! I lubs a gud conzert.
(Now i haz to goe backz to werking)
Dat’s wut I wuz thinking, Cookie’s human. Dere is no occasion wear de kitteh’s wud kneed tu sware awn anything. Dey always nose dat wutever dey du is purrfekt!
LyP
and ceiling cat knows whut u did there!
one nation, indivisible, under a fuzzy blue thing?
I swear your honor – I have not been fed yet.
PERJURY!!!!!!!!!
But iz ok – will get you some more food….
PURR-jury!
*luks over to see entyre jury uv kittehs purring kwietly an sweetly*
The jury box is in the post just below this one.
Base on teh mewrys desishun, and teh pwr vested in mai by teh state, I hrbly sentence mju to be fluffcarceratid with no posbizlelity of paroel, for lyf!
adn you hab to finish owt yore sentence under house awwest at mye howse.
Finish owt mah sentence!?
I can has . . . .
flea bargining?
kittehs sing wif countree music twang:
“FLeeeeeeeeeeeassssszz release me, let me goOOOOO”
Um . . . I haetz tu say it but I thot thet wuz an EEZY wun!
*ding!*
Teh correct answer is . . . I can has cheezburger?
Fleez, hmmph. We duzznt need no steenking fleez.
*sits down an starts skratchin viggurusslee*
WRONG! *creeeeeeeeeeeek- whoosh- plunK*
trap door openz and gremlin fawls through trap door.
OOpsie- taht wuz nawt a bad answere but the “Flea bargunning” anwser maded uz laff so hard we got confuzzled.
Nao sinz the desishuns ob teh judje aer final, you can has a incarserererashun until yore appeeel iz hurd.
*Pooom* (gavel fawls.) gigling continues ober “flea bargunning”….
*verree liddel voyce cumming frum far away under de floor*
Uh . . . halp? Kin sumwun halp meh? I is trapped . . .
An, um, I mite hav hurted mahself during teh fawl.
Duz sumwun hav sum antibakteryal creme? A band-ayd?
I has a defib… dufibbra… teh thingy dat makes yer hart start agen. Wud dat help?
hold on gremlin, iz droppin down da fur-st aid kit
also a chowlit layurd cake-eat careflly; iz fortrified wit Xtra iron to speed eskape.. i maen recovery.
*liddel voyce, dis tiem nawt kwite so far away under de floor*
Thanks fur teh fur staid kit! De caek is wunnerful. *nom nom nom*
Don’t think ay needz teh defib . . . deff . . hart thingy. Mah hart is gud! Pleez nawt to shok me – kthx!
*sownds uv climbing; kamra panz bak to show orinj pawz emerjing frum under trap door, then an orinj fuzzeh hed*
HEELLLLOOOO KIIITTEEEHHH
*big scaree d00d in blak robe approw…approc…cums clowse*
.
.
.
“wher do yu thimk yu r gowing kitteh?
“Uh..hoem?”
izzint diz Plam Springz ?????
*finkz to self….oh ai gonna getz dat wraskily wabbit*
but kitteh didn say she would tell teh whole truth…
Pik Mee Herk Pik Mee!!!
(if eneewun is old enuf 2 ermember Herkuleez kartoons)
Herkuleez: heerow uv sahng and storee
Herkuleez: winner uv anshunt gloree
Fyting foar teh rite
Fyting wif hiz mite
Wif teh stringth uv tin ordinaree min!
Herkuleez:peeple feel safe win neer him.
Herkuleez:only teh evil feer him.
Softness in hims eyes.
Iron in hims thighs.
Virtu in hims heart.
Fire in every part uv
Teh mitey Herkuleez.
(I fink dat’s rite. Erk! Butt teh idea uv “mitey Herkuleez” maded me ichy!)
LyP
Eye doan tink swarin tu a blu phuzzy ting meanz mush!
Whut’s it gonna dew iff u lye, bonk u?
Ohh, dat wood scare mee! Not!
One moar ouberst like that and I will snorgle teh witnesses!
i can has job as bayliff?
Bayleaf? I think u wants to apply in teh crab picshur from yesterday.
OBJECKSHUN!!!!
Teh court is snorgling teh witness!
Overruled!
Couwnsil for teh prossykewtshun is sittin awn mai ruler.
ROFL!!!
I swearz i don no whare the chezburger wents (dats not mayo on my whiskers, it be, uh, lets see, it bees milks from mi mommy!, yeah dats it.
Kitteh:”I is swearz dat I dids not eatz da last cheezeburger… I iz be tellins da twoof is wassen me”
Laywer:”You claim that it wasnt you but who else would have the motive to eat the eat the cheezeburger?”
Kitteh:”It was da Lolrus iz seen him do its… He be tryins to frame me by planting dat ketchup stain on mah mittenz”
Laywer:”What possible motive could the Lolrus have for such actions?”
Kitteh:”He be wantin revenge for his buckets…”
Laywer:”You expect this court and this jury to believe that the Lolrus was behind this incident and that he tried to frame you in revenge for his missing bucket… Where is the evidence for your aligations?”
Kitteh:”but…. but… its dat twoof… He didz it because… because… I iz da one dats tooks his buckets…”
*gasp from the jury*
Kitteh:”I iz just wanned a safe place for my cheezeburgers an I thoughts a buckit be goodz because I be seein dat Lolrun keep all his fishies in der… I is not meanz to hurt noones”
*Kittehs voice cracks and Kitteh begins to sob”
Excellent excellent ! ! ! very funie indeed. Can just pictur it!
Musta been dat Perrie Ma son lawyer guy, he alwaz makes em break down on da witness stand !! poor kitteh, iz lets you serbs your mouse arrest wif me, lotz of guishi foodz and chezboogers!
this looks like the kitten from the FAIL picture.
wich wun? http://failblog.wordpress.com/
Hee hee! Fanks, Teho! Yew always nose teh best cites!
LyP
“I’d like Blue Fuzzy Things for $200 Alex.”
CUUUUUTE!
splort!!1!!
*mysterious slinker slinks in wif cardz in pawz*
i been followin the CCC adn i saw wut happneded here. here, taek dis card frum Dewey, Cheetum and Howe. I think you hab a good case for delay in serbise after habing personal injuree frum ober the limit kyute.
here, put this neck brase on.
o, fanks!
*puts on neck brase an limps awai dialin sellfone*
CUUUUTE!
Can I get a Witness?
Halleluyah, sistah!
Hao wuz dat?
Oh. My. GAAAAWWWWD!!!
OT, but a kwexchun….
Late last nite, well, neerlee dis am, I wuz doin ma puter ting…. I heerz a big merwowlzin rukus owtsied. It sownded liek it at da frunt uv da howse (I wuz in TV room on da side uv howse). I thot “Up-ohz! Sum kitteh eever havin a bad fite, R is gettin nommed by kiyotee!!! Do NOT WANT!!! I beddar chek it owt an see…. ” Fur sum reezun, I deesided to go to bak uv howse furst…
I turnded on da owtside lite, an I saw wet feetsprints arown da pool, an suddenlee into ma view strolls a good sized RACCOON!!! We stared at eech uvver fur a few minnits, den he turned, so I turnded awf da lite. I checkt owt frun to mek shoor no hurt kittehs owt der, den came bak in an got ma camra an tried to get a kwik photo uv him…
We had seen one Moanday nite at da corner, bowt 1/2 mile away. I wunders if dey wuz lurvin, R fitin? R if dis guy fell in ma pool an wuz growlin/screemin while tryin to getowt? Sownded just liek angree kitteh screechin….
Duz raccoons sownd liek kittehs when dey is in lurve?
I will try to get a pitcher tonite, I tried las nite, but he jumpt da wall an left befoar I cood get moar dan wun kwik picktur…..
After, I wuz reeelee wired. Nawt surprised R skeered, just liek “encownter wif da wyld”…. I tink he also sprayed sumwere, cuz I cood smell a musk afterward…. An it essplayns da branches I keep findin in da pool at da steps!
I lurve livin up on da mowntins in LA!!
A ra coon? Get in da car!
Ohai, onceajinx:
I woodz senz foto
2 Amminul Reskew Peepz. Juss
2 keepz dem infoarmd
Woodz awllso breengz t3h
Kittehz indoarz 4 awyle
Juss 2 playz it sayf
Okayz, mebbe I
pannikkeng. Juss thot I woodz
awffurr sum advyce
Jack.
Jack’s rite. Kepe da kittehs (and goggies) insied and let Amminul Reskew halp the ra coon.
an GET IN THE CAR!!!!!!!!
Not da choppa?
Aww, thanx! My own Jack Death pomez an haikus!!
I dun haaz kittehs nao, so iz ok, mines wood nebber go owt alone! Wen we wuz puppeh sittin ober Xmas, I tink havin her smell arown kept da aminals away… We wuz gettin poops in da yard, I thot dey wuz kiyodee poos, but deez wuz all berrees, no fluff, so mebbee we’s had rawkoonz fur a wile, an I nebber seen dem til nao!
He wuz a good size, mebbee 25 pownz or so, an in purtee good helf. BERREE self ashoord!!
I had bin heerin sumpin in da yard on occazun, nebber saw NEting sep skwirtls an buns til las nite! I git sum pitchurs fur ma Flickr if I can! Mebbee kleen da kitchin windos so I kin shoot thru dem…
Raccoons in luv . . . tonite on de elebben o’klok news.
Jus don let them rifle thru yor garbage an taek owt a mortgage in yor naem!
Or let them hav enneh airplane tikkits! Yoo noes dey duzzint allow raccoons to drink martoonies in first klass. But they gitz so surley when yoo tries to kik them owt!
Rawkoonz in furstee klass bein surlee sownz skeeree!!! I glad we has da big skwayr plastic bins frum da citee, an plentee uv froot trees an such, nebber had can tippin up heer! Well, sept frum da wind wen der MT!
If he wuz alone coon, mebbee he fell in da pool wile warshin hims brekkee. It’s been so cold up heer, I know dat wood mek me mewrwowlzle an skwall!!
Liddill Kitteh, himz
prakktisses ieee/moaturr skillz
wiff beeg bloo speedz bag
Canz oanlee prakktiss
wiff wun paw at a tyme, butz
datz will beez plentee
Liddill Kitteh no
canz ‘tessteefie’. Kitteh’s soal
kryme iz dat him’s kewt!
Jack
Mr. Deth. Yew are sew grate! I yam always sew imprest wif hao yew spel teh werds. Are yew a linguistics teechur?
LyP
…and I’ve been off catnip for 11 months, 5 days, and 7 hours.
Uh, yah, weave awl herd *dat* wun befoar!
Luk at those wide eyz. We can haz blud test?
Ok, gremlin, heer is ur blud test. Put away ur books and take out a nummer 2 pensil. Gud lucks.
BLUD TEST
1. Fill in teh blank:
________, SWET, AND TEERS
A. Blud
B. Diet Soda
C. Martoonies
D. Mt. McKinley
2. A train carrying a shipment of blud leaves Chicago at 2pm, headed 4 Lake Cucamonga, eleventy-eighteen miles away, at 45mph. What will u order in teh bar car?
A. Hawt chocklit
B. Scotch and Moar Scotch
C. Bluddy Mary
D. Everything
3. Which of teh following is NAWT a blud type:
A. A
B. B
C. C
D. Blue
LCB, joo maded me lol. Fur yer crimes implied at teh beginnin uv dis thred, we find joo not gilty by reezun of funneh. Cuz if joo goed to jayl, we wudn’t has yer funneh no moar.
Mt McKinley!!!!
DDD – iz brawr size?
DDD – iz brawr size?
I’d need to see that to believe it….
“The Great Karnak says the answer is Blood, Sweat, and Tears
and the Question is: — What are the three most unpopular flavors at Baskin Robbins?”
*fasepaw*
Oooooh, bettuh not show diz pic in da Bible Belt states in de U.S.
Dey don’t seem to lyke when yoo replace ‘God’ wif anyfing else (in dis case: ‘blue fuzzy thing’). Even if yoo juss kidding, lyke da kitteh in dis pic!
Me personalee, I dun mind!
Salad? Why… yes, I’d love to come over for a nice salad, but… I… uh… have to get my hair done.
*Backs away, smiling nervously*
*Runs when out of sight of SJ’s lumpy patio*
Stoopy werdpress. Furst it dint post my commint, den after I reposted, WP posted teh orijinal commint in the rong playse. Stoopy werdpress.
Oh, an heerz a choklit an sum blankeez fur teh injured.
*luks suspishusslee at mysterious linker*
Ah’ve herd uv ambyoolunz chaysers. But CCC chaysers? Nao I haz herd evveryting!
Whut do they do, lissen fur ICHC splorts awn teh CB radio?
yup.
ohai, gremlin,
i can has a pare ob tose kyute ~0-0~ eyeprotektorz yoo inbinted from teh splortz wear divishun?
I borked my gogguls adn dose habs teh kyute!
Teh troof? You can’t HANDLE teh troof!!!1!
kristul
Bebeh Tortie
Bebeh Tortie!!!
so soft and sweet and kyoooooooooooooot!!!!
Oh, I love torties!
Boxin Kitteh sez, “I gonna braek hiz snoot an taek his yarn!”
ai swearz ai do nowt uz steroids.
*hey – lyke mai nu haircut? aiz reddy for da spreeng trainign*
The blue fuzzy thing line really drives this one home
I really liked that picture it’s going to be on my myspace, i’m also going to send it to my friend Christy she is so awsome, but, lets get back to the picture I really, really,really liked that picture.
lolz u guys all added comments on february 7 2008 xept samantha
lmao