iz nawt teh sayme at awl! wud skwoosh teh kamlol!

Ah noze; iz berry sillee pictchewer tho’!

Oh, whoopee!!!! ai just luvs this sort ov thing. An - teh wun time ai wuz in Scotland, ai DID trai teh haggis- an it reelee did tayste prittee gud.

Though - it wud seem to mee taht the moar sqweemish amongst us wud do well to put the apirins in their eers when the “Address to the Haggis” getz to this verse:

“His knife see rustic Labour dicht,
An’ cut you up wi’ ready slicht,
Trenching your gushing entrails bricht,
Like ony ditch;
And then, O what a glorious sicht,
Warm-reekin, rich!”

Er…yes best nawt to fink about entrails too mush wehn ur eetin teh haggis. Ai wunce had to smuggle three haggissississes (haggi?) into Cairo (dat’s Cairo, Eygpt) togever wiv a bottul of Lagavulin for a Burns Nite partee. Ai wuz bery glad teh Customs orfissers did nawt ask me to open mai bag as cud have been a liddle difficult to explayn. “Well, orfisser, is teh sheep’s stummich wiv entrayls in. No, we recites a pome to it, and den we eets it. An teh mens wares teh skirts. No, ai has nawt been drinkin! Dat? Oh dat’s wiskee. Ah…. cud u pls call teh Brittish Ambassador?”

Wuz bery gud partee. Ai left at four ay emm as I had to go bak to mai hotel in time tu get mai six ay emm tacksee to teh hareport. Teh hangover started sumware ober Libya….

Ansirin awl teh kwestyawns:-

U can haz vegetarian haggis as well as reel 1z. Iz wurth trayin teh reel 1 tho.
Ah will be doin teh dans teechin l8r, an a toast 2 teh lassies.
R theyr anny Skawtish lassies 2 do teh toast to teh laddies.

Ai is half Skawtish, but ai duz nawt have teh acksint. Ai has a frend from Paisley tho, ai cud ask her if she’d mind steppin in for teh occayshun.

ai thot annyluvsprintie wuz Skawtish. Tho ai may be verree confewsed awn taht wun.. If ai hav it rite, she iz a Skawtish Londoner living in Manchester. Sumhao, sumthing seems to be rong there.

But SJ - ai wud think 1/2 Skawtish wud bee fine. (tho, come to think ov it, ai don’t get to doo the thinking heer!!) An wud yoo beleve it - ai think ai hav sum too - shud bee maybee 1/4th. Yoo see, ai alwayz thot taht part wuz Irish - but mai famblee (Lowry) iz frum teh Belfast area an ai red sumwhar that they ar akshullee wandered in Skawtish peepl.

Ai kin c boys in kilts??!!! Ai fink ai noes wats dey ware under der!!! Wants to c dem jump HI!!!

OK, ai durtee ol laydee. Hoo cayres??!!

Everbuddee remember teh beeg Scawtosj partee paws4thot threw awn St. Andrews Day - wif awl the guiz in kilts an the ladiez in the byootiful whyte dresses? We awl had to remember to bring ar hankiez (fur the drool effekt frum the men in kiltz)

So - gurls - ladiez - lassies - doan furgitz yur prittee whyte hankiez.

Yeah, shood reelee be full formal dress agayn.

Part Skawtish is okai; Ah jst tinkz awl Skawtish wood noze what teh Burns poyumz meens more bettrer, an teh toastz 2 teh laddies and lassies R awl abowt teh propozer sayin hou grate teh otter sex R reeli, usin kwotes frawm Burns poyumz and sawngz 2 proov it.

well, taht shud werk out verree well. Mai whyte dress iz bak frum teh cleenerz, and awl those whyte dresses and compleet kiltt outfitz fer the guiz taht cSmall brawt ar in teh beeg closit just around teh korner.

Yoo ar surelee rite abawt needn to bee Skawtish to understand teh Burns pyumz propurrlee. Ai alwaiz needz teh annotated vershunz.

An - ai had noe idea waht wuz dun awn a Burns nite (hurd ov it - but taht’s it) - so this is VERREE interesting.

EVERBUDDEEE - yoo will find a larj assortment ov clothez to wear to thiz Burnz partee around teh korner - taek whatever lukz gud awn yoo. And fitz. (same thing, maybee)

All rite, ais reddee, awl drest in whyte, anna hankee at teh reddee.
Ail hav a glas of wusjee wyle teh others gets chanjed.
*Yumm*

Iz akshually going to mah nawt-sekund Burns supper dis yeer. (Mah frend not having it til nex weekend tho.) Iz also leery bowt teh haggis. But ah can wear mah plaid skirt to representz mah Campbell anses…ancste…roots.

An ah can celebrate wif yoo guize todai! Bring on teh taters! (Iz also gots teh Irish roots.)

Kim - ai say - go ahed an eet it. Thousandz upawn thousandz hav dun it an lived to say “YUM!! ”
If yoo liek sausage, yoo will liek it. It’s reelee gud.

Ai admit - a draw teh lion at blud sawsage - but taht’s different!

*off-topik wispur*

pssst janet, ai wus wrong about pb, hes nawt teh cheezgroop pb an hes a he
so sorree for teh comfusions

*bak on topik regjoolar voys*

Blud sawsadj is yum!

*wispur* yoo meen there ar two pb’s???. Hao doo yoo know fur shur teh pb heer iz reelee a he???
so far, ai see awnlee cirsumstachul ebidense.

an - oh Gober - the blud sawsadj -’tis troo, ai no menee peeple hoo say tath it is yum - but ai jus cant’t!!! Ai meen - ai can’t trai it. Haggis, at leest, just luks liek nermal sawsagj.

*wispur* he sed so an ai bleev him, ais nawt abowt to ask for fizziksal ebidens

An ai spose everbody has som fuds dey shai awei from. For me thats tungue *shudder*

i useded to do skawtish country dansin in grad skool, but has not dun it in 10 yrs. I remememember some of the steps but not teh pattersn

*pas de basque*
*strathspey, strathspey, strathspety*

etc

*ahem*
nuffin’s worn under teh kilt…itz al in guud werkin order!
*end uv joek*

srsly tho, wun tyme a frend uv mai fambly wuz at a festivl, en sumwun wuz teezin him abowt wayrin a skirt, en askt him ‘wut u wayrin under dat skirt ennyway?’ en teh frend (he wuz kwite drunk) sed ‘ur wyfe’s lipstik’. iz teh best anser Ai hav evver herd, bsydez teh joek.

Habbin lodsaskotch maek id go daun bedder, an help wid naut tinkin.

Dis pahrty, I nose has kilt, but i could borrow my nicec micro mini skirt.
Wood dat werk?
oh. wate. I’m american Indian and Norwegan(wadda mix)

kthksbai

Ai has a MOST intrestin mentul pickshur nao, Bubbashoomin! Ai fink u can wear wut u want, awltho in certain parts of Glasgow teh mens in teh micro mini skirts cud attrackt teh unwelcum attenshun.

Bubbashoomin - nawt to werree - yoo duz nawt hav to borrow yer niecez mini skirt and attrakt unwelcom attehshun!!! cSmall haz alreddee provided ebreething yoo need. Ebereething she brawt fur teh last Scawtish partee iz hanging in the closet around the korner there. (to the left)

You can go to this site an see ebreething yoo can haz to put awn so yoo will luk yur verree best.

http://www.icanhascheezburger.com/2007/11/30/peace-negoshiayshuns

Will dere b danses?
I wanna danse to “The Stroll” by jimmy calls.
I lissen to stranje things.

Oh paws - taht wuz just - lufflee. Ai’ll bet it also soundz wunderful wehn yoo recite it in yur verree best Skawtisch aksent.

Oh - scuse mee. Yoo probbalbee thinks yoo duzznt hav an aksent.

Oh - wait - it’s a gurl’z poem. Yoo probablee wudn’t even trai it. Waht wun wud yoo dooo??

See dat is wehr beeing half Skawtish is just nawt enuff. Ai cud nawt say enny of dat wivout sounding eggstreemly stoopie.

k, guise, aise heer, ifn a bit late in the dai.. Jus putting awn mai wite dress and mai Ross tartin sash. JKC4K - ai hope ur nawt impoon.. aimpug .. kriticisin mai prowd Skawtish ancestree (oar anee odder tree). AI can feel mai ancestors standin behine me liek the last seen in “Bravehart” (srsly, that looked eggsackly liek mah unkles) An noes, liek SJ hoo ai hail as a sista. ai doesnt has Skawts aggsent. But Ai think that ifn paws4thot is from teh islands, he wuddn’t sound liek joo think ov as “Skawts”.

Ennewai * pulls self strait, throws sholders bak, cleers throat..*
For the toast for the laddies, ai will quote Burns “Is there for honest poverty?”

Is there for honest poverty,
That hings (hangs) his head, an’ a’ that?
The coward slave, we pass him by -
We dare be poor for a’ that!
For a’ that, an’ a’ that,
The rank is but the guinea’s stamp,
The man’s the gowd for a’ that.

To the gennel men! *Raises glass of Port Charlotte*

Oh anny - thank gudness yoo ar heer. We ar off to a gud start. But - ai think paws4thot won’t bee bak until Munday - so we may hav to trai to gather heer again tehn to complete this verree interesting evening.

An pleez do nawt think ai cud be kiritcizing yur prowd Skawtish ancestree - ai wuz just a bit confoozled about teh London/Manchester part. Az for paws4thot - it seems to me he said he wuz frum teh lowlands but wuz werking in the highlands. Ar teh islands part ov teh highlands?
Ai am reelee embarrassed to say taht waht ai reelee noe abawt Skawtland cud probabee fit into a . . . sumthing kwite smawl!!

and yur poem waz purrfekt ai think -and ai am sure taht ai wud liek yur aksent! Yoo hav a verree gud stage presence.

… missed teh high heels part